Cack Simulator

"Quick and easy." The fact that this is your fifth hour behind the wheel would beg to differ. Directions were never your specialty, and your Foundation-provided phone didn't come with Google Maps. So, here you are, on a tiny road in North Carolina -- in a rickety old cargo van. The morning rainstorm has just calmed down, and the smell of damp soil is more than welcome. You lower the windows. Before you, a seemingly endless stream of empty pavement. To your left, cornfields. To your right, more cornfields. Behind you, a corn crake, in an experimental soundproof kennel. Muffled yodeling drones on from within - something you've forced yourself to get used to. The isolation is almost humbling. There's no one else around for miles. Just you, your yodeling cargo... [[...and that deer that just jumped in front of you.->OHGODOHFUCK]] (set: $call911 to "N")(set: $uok to "N")(set: $spankogone to "N")(set: $deaddeer to "N")(set: $earprotected to "N")(set: $allstuff to "N")(set: $ct1 to "N")(set: $barncack to "N")(set: $bossbattle to "N")(set: $overbucket to "N")(set: $flipbucket to "N") (if: $allstuff is "N")[(set: $earprotected to "N")]

You wake up five minutes later, behind the wheel. To your left, the sky. To your right, dirt and smashed corn. Other than a few cuts and bruises, you're unharmed. The sound of yodeling has ended. A few minutes of hysterical panicking and deep breaths later, you're ready to make your next move. [[Ask SCP-2337 if he's okay.->You okay?]] [[Climb out and view your surroundings.->Crash scene]] [[Call 911.->What's your emergency?]]

"Yo, Dr. Spanko, you all right?" (You still debate if that's his real name, or just an in-joke among perverted containment staff.) No answer. [[Climb out and view your surroundings->Crash scene]] (if: $call911 is "N")[[[Call 911.->What's your emergency?]]] (set: $uok to "Y")

You pop open the driver's side door and pry yourself up. Aside from the standard "Oh shit, there's a deer, screeching tires", your memory of the accident is fuzzy. But now that you're back on solid ground, the evidence is laid before you: a deer lying on the asphalt, your toppled van with "Sebastian & Charles Plumbing, Inc." emblazoned on the side - and SCP-2337's soundproof kennel, which fell out from the back doors. Which will you check first? [[The deer.->deer]] [[The van.->van]] [[The kennel.->kennel]] (if: $call911 is "N")[[[Call 911 instead.->What's your emergency?]]]

A pre-recorded message: "Welcome to SCP Foundation Wireless. You have attempted to dial a number that could potentially compromise the secrecy of your operation. Suggestion course of action: don't." Well, shit. (if: $uok is "N")[[[Ask SCP-2337 if he's okay.->You okay?]]] [[Climb out and view your surroundings.->Crash scene]] (set: $call911 to "Y")

You look over the departed stag. Decomposition hasn't set in. No bruises, no broken bones - whatever killed this poor creature wasn't your van. Hell, it might not even be dead! [[Take a closer look.->Ears]] (if: $spankogone is "N")[[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]][(if: $spankogone is "Y")[[[Fuck the deer, find the bird!->findspanko]]]] (if: $allstuff is "N")[[[Check the van.->van]]]

At the end of a short path of tire marks through the cornfield, your van sits on its right side. The back doors are open, and the kennel is a few feet behind. You must have swerved to avoid the deer (if: $deaddeer is "N")[(wait, then [[why is it dead?) ->deer]] ]and, in doing so, lost a very short battle with your steering wheel. Other than the kennel, which fell out, your cargo is unharmed: - One Foundation-issue level 26-M ear protection headset. - One plastic bucket. - One black permanent marker. - One "Tom Jones: Greatest Hits" CD in the glove compartment - likely, the van's previous owner liked hearing news from pussycats. [[Take it all!->stuffget]] [[Leave your stuff alone.->nostuff]] (if: $spankogone is "N")[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]

''//GADZOOKS!//''(set: $spankogone to "Y") The kennel door is open. It's empty. The dangerous, Euclid-class anomaly you were trusted with has broken containment, and your ass is //unbelievably// grass. ...that is, unless you can get him back? [[Call out for Spanko - maybe he's close?->whereuat]] [[Try to figure something out.->findspanko]] [[Call your superiors and ask for help.->urfired]] [[Give up, go into hiding from the Foundation, find a different career path, change your name if you have to, because //fuck this shit.//->Into Hiding]] (if: $allstuff is "N")[[[See if there are any tools in your van that could help.->stuff]]]

Suddenly, you catch a red stream from the carcass's ear - blood, but also fragments of skull, and the shredded bits of what you can only assume is a deer's brain. (set: $deaddeer to "Y")You diagnose the deer with "dead as shit." You speculate what could have caused this. Ruling out other possibilities (including the one with a scalpel-wielding pervert hidden in the corn, waiting to indulge in his deer-debraining fixation), you come to one conclusion: this was caused by a noise loud enough to rupture the deer's eardrum, along with everything behind the eardrum. [(if: $spankogone is "N")[[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]]][(if: $spankogone is "Y")[[[Now what?->findspanko]]]] (if: $allstuff is "N")[[[Examine the van.->van]]]

The possibility of how the Foundation might respond to your failure terrifies you beyond reason. You toss your phone into the cornfield. With your each and every ounce of strength, you make for the road run screaming (literally screaming, it's actually kind of pathetic) toward the horizon. Within the hour, you reach the sleepy little town of Redwater, NC - population 2,900. This is your home now. You ask the BP station on the corner of Main and Jackson if they have some steady work for a drifter. Within a few months, you have enough money to sleep somewhere other than the 12th avenue overpass. You change your last name to Fairchilde, because why the fuck not? After a few years at the extended stay motel by the Mickey D's, you spot a recently foreclosed house. Sure, the garage had caved in after the previous owner's meth lab exploded, and there's almost definitely a rotting body under the linoleum -- but fuck it, a deal's a deal. Life goes on, and you survive. You become a pillar of the Southern Baptist Church - not because you believe, but because the chapel is right on your block, and there's jack shit else to do on Sunday mornings. Needing a hobby, you take up the culinary arts. After several failed attempts, you manage to nab the blue ribbon at 72nd annual Redwater BBQ contest with your signature recipe, "Fairchilde's Honey Mesquite Don't-Ask-About-My-Past Sauce." Soon enough, your special sauce catches the eye of a contest-going investor, and Fairchilde's DAAMP (For Short) is a mainstay fixture in every diner south of the Mason-Dixon. You're practically an overnight millionaire, and you spend the rest of your life in the lap of luxury. One day, at your summer home in the Everglades, you sip a mint julep at your poolside chair. The glass catches a strange reflection -- your face, but with a tiny dot of red light between the eyes. --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: TERMINATED, DECEASED'' ''RATING: -3,783/10, YOU FUCKING //DONKEY//'' (ending #1/10)]

You gather all the stuff in the bucket, creating a very low-effort (but durable!) handbag.(set: $allstuff to "Y") Now what? [[Wear the ear protection headset.->26M2]] (if: $spankogone is "N")[[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]](if: $spankogone is "Y")+(if: $ct1 is "N")[[[See about finding that damn bird.->findspanko]]] (if: $deaddeer is "N")[[[Check the deer.->deer]]] (if: $ct1 is "Y")[[[Now, back to trapmaking...->craketrap]]]

None of it looks essential, so you leave it alone. [[Unless...->stuff]] (if: $spankogone is "N")[[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]](if: $spankogone is "Y")[[[Now what?->findspanko]]] (if: $deaddeer is "N")[[[Check the deer.->deer]]]

Here's what's in the van: - One Foundation-issue Level-26M Ear Protection headset. - One plastic bucket. - One black permanent marker. - One "Tom Jones: Greatest Hits" CD. [[Take it all!->stuffget]] [[Leave your stuff alone.->nostuff]] (if: $spankogone is "N")[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]

You cup your hands over your mouth, and... (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[Ask him where he is.->overhere]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Ask him where he is.->tooloud]]] (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[Tempt him with his favorite food.->stranglefruits1]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Tempt him with his favorite food.->strangleyfrootses???]]] (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[Yell something in his native tongue.->urmom]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Yell something in his native tongue.->Youkilledmyfatherpreparetocack]]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")+(if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Actually, let's put the ear protection on, first...->26M3]]]

The phone trembles in your hands as you pull up the direct line for Dr. Lisle Naismith, director of Site-59. [(if: $protected is "Y")[The fact that you've had to take your ear protection off to talk only puts you further on edge.]] One ring. Two rings. Thr-- "This is Lisle," says a gruff voice on the other line. "Make it quick." You do. "Hmm," says Dr. Naismith. "Okay, stay where you are. Help is on the way." [[Do as he says.->amnestics]] [[RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!->Into Hiding]]

//Two years later...// Your name is Terry McNamara. You live in Salt Lake City. You make staplers. Every morning you get up, drive your car to the stapler factory and assist in the production of additional staplers for the stapler company. You are very good at stapler-making. You have won employee of the month for six months in a row at the stapler factory. Every evening, you get off work, have Chinese takeout, and watch stapler videos until you fall asleep on your couch. The idea of "going paperless" terrifies you, as it would remove the need for staples - and through that, staplers. The sight of separated sheets of paper makes you uneasy. You assaulted a man once. He said that paper clips are better than staples. You punched him in the face and broke his nose. Paper clips are impermanent and fleeting, after all. You were let of with a warning by the police, because this is the only time in your life that you have ever hurt someone. But so long as staplers are threatened, it will not be the last. ... Every now and then, you have a bizarre memory of driving down a road with a yodeling bird. You dismiss the idea, because it has nothing to with staplers. Because you are Terry McNamara. You make staplers. That is all you do. That is all you have ever done. That is all you ever will do. --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: APPREHENDED UNHARMED; CONTAINMENT RE-ESTABLISHED'' ''COURIER: TERMINATED, AMNESTICIZED, ASSUMED IDENTITY "TERRY MCNAMARA" ISSUED'' ''RATING: 0/10, GO MAKE STAPLERS OR SOMETHING'' (ending #2/10)]

//"Dr. Spanko! 'Cack' if you can hear me!"//(set: $barncack to "Y") From the direction of a barn on the horizon, you hear an echo: (font: "Comic Sans MS")[//"Question mark?! Am notly encackulate upon laity's everly whimwhambulation! Quid pro cola, this."//] [[Head for the barn.->barnchase1]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")[[[Try laying a trap instead.->craketrap]]](if: $allstuff is "N")[[[Try laying a trap instead.->nocraketrap]]]

//"Gosh-oh-gee, I got this huge pile of gummy worms right here, and no intelligent and handsome birds to give 'em to! Whatever shall I doooo?!// Granted, that was a total lie. Still, you see an approaching trail of rustling corn in the distance... [[Grab the kennel, get ready to snag the bird.->stranglefruits2]]

//"DOCKTATER HISPANKIOLA! AM VACATE TO MEINEM LOCATE POSTEHASTEABLY, IF PLEASETH YOUR KNEESETH! MAY YOUR EVERY STIMPSTAMP JIMPENJUMP HEREWARDLY, CACK!"// You're 120% certain you just called his grandmother inexcusable in Spankonese. Still, you see an approaching trail of rustling corn in the distance... [[Grab the kennel, get ready to snag the bird.->bossbattle]]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") (if: $spankogone is "Y")[[[Now what?->findspanko]]](if: $spankogone is "N")[[[Check the kennel.->kennel]]] (if: $deaddeer is "N")[[[Check the deer.->deer]]]

Okay, deep breaths. Let's review the facts: - You're stranded in the middle of nowhere with SCP-2337. - Remember from your briefing: 2337, or "Dr. Spanko," is a weird little bird about the size of a pigeon, with a voice loud enough to literally shatter concrete. - Though Dr. Spanko means well, he's very talkative - and kind of an idiot. He's capable of relentless amounts of destruction through attempts at pleasant conversation. (if: $deaddeer is "Y")[That deer you saw was likely the unwilling audience to one of Spanko's lectures about pinecones.] - You have no idea where this bird is - though presumably, not too far away. - He likes gummy worms. Like, more than the normal amount that someone would like gummy worms. //You have none.// - If your higher-ups find out that you've breached the containment of a Euclid-class anomaly, "demoted to D-class" would be the //best//-case scenario. What do you do? [[Call out for Spanko.->whereuat]] [(if: $allstuff is "Y")[[Set a trap.->craketrap]]][(if: $allstuff is "N")[[Set a trap.->nocraketrap]]] [[Give up.->Into Hiding]]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") [[Now, where were we...?->whereuat]]

Admittedly, you don't have much material for trap-making - a bucket, a permanent marker, a soundproof kennel, and a Tom Jones CD. Hmm... [[Plan 1: Put the CD on the pavement as bait (maybe he likes shiny objects?) place the bucket over it, prop it up ever-so-precariously with the marker, wait until he's under, and BAM! Birdie in the bucket.->birdinbucket]] [[Plan 2: Write something enticing on the bucket.->luremessage]] [[Plan 3: Write something enticing on the soundproof kennel.->lurekennel]] (if: $barncack is "Y")[[[Plan 4: Fuck traps, head to the barn and grab him.->barnchase1]] ](if: $allstuff is "Y")+(if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Hang on, what about that ear protection?->trap26M]]]

You have nothing with which to make a trap, ya dingus.(set: $ct1 to "Y") [[Head to the van, it might have some supplies.->stuff]]

//"Dr. Spanko! 'Cack' if you can hear me!"//(set: $barncack to "Y") From the direction of a barn on the horizon, you hear a grating, startling screech-shriek-cacken-squawk of some sort. You clutch your ears in pain. He's in the barn. [[Head for the barn.->barnchase1]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")[[[Actually, I'd better put that ear protection on first...->tooloud26M]]](if: $allstuff is "N")[[[Actually, do I have anything in the van that could dampen the screaming sound?->prebarnstuff]]]

//"Gosh-oh-gee, I got this huge pile of gummy worms right here, and no intelligent and handsome birds to give 'em to! Whatever shall I doooo?!// Granted, that was a total lie. Still, you hear an approaching rustling noise from the cornfields... [[Grab the kennel, get ready to snag the bird.->cack??]] (if: $allstuff is "Y" and $earprotection is "N")[[[Put on your ear protection.->stranglefruits26M]]]

//"DOCKTATER HISPANKIOLA! AM VACATE TO MEINEM LOCATE POSTEHASTEABLY, IF PLEASETH YOUR KNEESETH! MAY YOUR EVERY STIMPSTAMP JIMPENJUMP HEREWARDLY, CACK!"// You're 120% certain you just called his grandmother inexcusable in Spankonese, but at least you can hear approaching rustling from within the corn. (if: $allstuff is "Y" and $earprotection is "N")[[[Put on your ear protection.->26M4]]] [[Grab the kennel, get ready to snag the bird.->cack??]]

//(text-style:"Rumble")+(font:"Comic Sans MS")["NOBLE TURKEY STANCE!"]// (set: $bossbattle to "Y")(set: $overbucket to "Y") Your former cargo flaps around before you, shuffling hither and thither before you in a crakeish war dance. His wings are outstretched, his tailfeathers wiggle menacingly, and //you aren't paid enough for this shit.// (align: "=><=")+(font: "Silom")[Wild DR. SPANKO appeared! Go, COURIER-49195!] [[Kick him!->fieldgoal]] [[Grab him and stuff him in the kennel!->dontfencemein]] [[Flip him off!->thebird]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")[[[Trap him under the bucket!->cackrocket]]]

It's quiet. [[Too quiet.->cack!!]]

Making a mad dash through the corn, you come to the abandoned barn that serves as the crake's hiding place. You open the door and see only a long-forgotten pile of hay, some rusty pitchforks -- and no bird. The haystack rustles. He's inside. (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[Dig through the hay pile.->hay1]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Dig through the hay pile.->cack??]]] (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[Try to talk Spanko out of the haystack.->getout1]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Try to talk Spanko out of the haystack.->cack??]]] [(if: $allstuff is "Y")[[Make a trap with your equipment.->barntrap]]] [(if: $allstuff is "Y")+(if: $earprotected is "N")[[Hang on, forgot to put on my 26-M...->barn26M]]]

''//(text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[C](text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[A] (text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[A] (text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[A] (text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[A] (text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[C] (text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[K] (text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[!] (text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[!] (text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[!]//'' Your eardrums and brain disintegrate from the sonic energy of the single loudest "cack" that has ever graced the great state of North Carolina. Darkness. Pain. Silence. Cold... --- You wake up screaming in a nigh-endless sea of dark sand. You're naked. The sky is dark green, and three pale moons light up the sky. Looking at the moons, you can vaguely make out clouds and continents. A dark, thin shadow of a giant towers above the mountians in the horizon, foraging for food on the valley floors. The scenery jogs your memory - this is the rumored afterlife, Corbenic. Oh, well, it's a bit nicer than that "dammerung" thingamajiggie that's been making the rounds, right? //...right?!// (if: $deaddeer is "Y")[To your left, you hear the click of a cigarette lighter. There's someone else here, and your nakedness is all the more evident. You turn around-- There's the dead stag from the road, sitting like a human on the sand. He lights up a cigarette; how he can do so with hooves is anyone's guess. He turns to notice you. "...my bad," he says, with a nervous smile.] --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: NEGLECTED TO WEAR EAR PROTECTION - KILLED BY ANOMALY'' ''RATING: 1/10, HAVE FUN IN CORBENIC, DUMBASS'' (ending #3/10)]

You dive into the pile, flinging fistfuls of hay hither and thither. Your hair stands on end, with every drop of your adrenaline (...it's a liquid, right? Fuck off, I flunked biology.) anticipating the half-second moment when you must snatch the wily bird from his hay-bed. Such dispersal of dessicated hay is wont to generate clouds of dust, [[which doesn't do your target's chronic asthma any favors...->hayfever1]]

You start off with something reliable, if a tad milquetoast: "Hey, Spanko, we need to get you outta that haystack and back into containment. Let's go, okay?" //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Re-emboxing my overcackage, you?"]// he says. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Trés inadvisabilliam, gooten madamorsir. The vanly steerwingles de la thee hath our dieselcoach overflappened. Wheels upon squeals, and alley-ooperated ever-so-squankingly amidst the whole malenky cacking maizeborhood!" "Orse course, notly much judgment splappity'd driveskillwards of you, amigulus. But waking waters morse, a be-antler'd cervi-tor auf der mostly orangeous behave-nots jimpenjampered thro' yon Bolivar'd, cacking for to be causations misery-related." "In sumnambulance: co-internment upon boxly am being unspankably inundangered, et so, moist we flippenflappen freedom-vectored, cackack!"]// Your reply: [["Shut up and get in the kennel, you fucking pigeon!"->pigeon]] [["Come with me, and there'll be a huge pile of gummy worms waiting for you at Site-59."->stranglefruits, you say?]] [["So, where will you go now?"->whatdo]]

He's in the barn, and likely to observe any traps being built. Try something else. [(if: $earprotected is "Y")[[Dig through the hay pile.->hay1]]][(if: $earprotected is "N")[[Dig through the hay pile.->cack??]]] [(if: $earprotected is "Y")[[Try to talk Spanko out of the hay pile.->getout1]]][(if: $earprotected is "N")[[Try to talk Spanko out of the hay pile.->cack??]]]

It's been half an hour since you set up your bucket trap and hid behind your van, and the smug face of a certain Welsh motherfucker hasn't tricked anyone into going under a bucket. Perhaps this was a bad idea. The only place you've seen this work is in old Bugs Bunny cartoons, and even then-- THERE HE IS! You scarcely turn your head, and there stands SCP-2337. He stares at the album cover and whispers something to himself about "cheezard ladel" and "snotta bluesual." The terrifying sonic force of his whisper knocks the marker, and the bucket falls! [[Victory is in your grasp -- now, sit on the bucket before he escapes!->cackrocket]]

(if: $flipbucket is "Y")[You flip the bucket... and he's trapped underneath! ](if: $overbucket is "Y")[You toss the bucket... and he's trapped underneath! ](if: $bossbattle is "Y")+(font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[COURIER-49195 used STUCKBUCKET! It's super effective! ]You scramble to the bucket and sit on it. Surely, no bird can escape the clamping force of your panoramic ass upon their prison. Now, all you have to do is... (if: $bossbattle is "Y")+(font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[DR. SPANKO used SKYCACKET! ]''//(text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[C](text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[A](text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[C](text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[K](text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[!]//'' (if: $bossbattle is "Y")+(font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[CRITICAL HIT! ]...wonder why you're in the stratosphere. Judging by the velocity of your descent and the acceleration rate of the Earth's gravity, you have approximately ten seconds to accept your impending death. --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: KILLED BY ANOMALY'' ''RATING: 5/10; I'LL ADMIT, THAT WAS KINDA COOL'' (ending #4/10)]

What will you write on the bucket? [["FIVE POUNDS OF GUMMY WORMS, PLEASE DO NOT STEAL"->bucketfruits?]] [["YOU LIVE HERE NOW"->liveherenow]] [[...never mind, this stupid.->craketrap]]

You begin to scrawl something on the kennel with your marker, but the mark disappears after half a second. The sound-cancelling technology seems to have a destructive reaction to ink. [[Dammit. Guess you'll try the bucket...->luremessage]] [[What about that CD-upside-down-bucket-trap-a-ma-jig you brought up earlier?->birdinbucket]]

And there he is -- staring up at you, his provider, eyes glimmering in the anticipation of gummy, wormy deliciousness.(set: $overbucket to "Y") He says:// (font: "Comic Sans MS")["OPEN MOUTH, INSERT (text-style:"rumble")[STRANGLEFRUITS], CACK!"]// And you, who are so completely lacking in stranglefruits -- what is your reply? [["Yeah, I got plenty of gummy worms -- back at Site-59."->stranglefruits, you say?]] [["Uh, I kinda... don't... have... any."->betrayal]] [["Yeah, here's some extra-special //invisible// gummy worms!"->invisible]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")[[Trap him with the bucket.->cackrocket]]

A voice from the hay: (font: "Comic Sans MS")[//[["Ah..."->hayfever2]]//]

''//(text-style: "rumble")[(font: "Comic Sans MS")[[hhAAwwwhHaaHAHHHHHH...->sneeze]]]//''

''//(font: "Comic Sans MS")[chhyyeeooOOOOLALALOLODIYALEYOLADIOLALAIDOLAYEEEEEE-]//'' You have experienced the legendary and terrifying sneeze-yodel of Herr Doktor Spankoflex. Its existence has been the subject of endless debate -- but as you live and breathe, you have found it! Unfortunately, since you experienced the sneeze-yodel point-blank, you stop living //and// breathing immediately.(if: $earprotected is "Y")[ 26-M ear protection be damned, for the force is enough to shred your brain through your eyeballs.] --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: KILLED BY ANOMALY'' ''RATING: 3/10(if: $earprotected is "Y")[; ALSO, REQUESTING RE-EVALUATION OF 26-M HEADGEAR'S EFFICACY AT CLOSE RANGE]'' (ending #5/10)]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") [[Now, where were we...?->bossbattle]]

You immediately regret your words, realizing you may have just literally picked a fight with a dangerous and violent (albeit unintentionally) Euclid-class anomaly. But rather than a storm of cacking, a sudden silence fills the barn. Finally, //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["...am... pidge?"]// says your target. His tone is not one of malice - but fascination. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Hmm... mayhappenstance. Many perhapsages, indidymus! Personnage waxes crakely, me... but interiorwardly?"]// More silence. Suddenly: //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["(text-style:"rumble")[EUCACKA!] Rabies and mentalgerms, Herr Doktor Spankoflex hath being Cobained a Nirviphany for to giving new fleece on flies! Am..."]// (text-style: "smear")[Poof.] (font: "Silom")[//"...PIDGE!"//] And so, a run-of-the-mill city pigeon shuffles his way out of the haystack. You ask him who he is. //(font: "Silom")[Cooq! Am Christened Herr Baron Stankoplex, formerly colloquially namesplapped with Essy-Pee Toothreethree and Steven, am congregate across your crate! Shall offly we boff?]// Thoroughly satisfied with himself, Baron Stanko peacefully waddles into the soundproof carrier. --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: PRESENTED SITE-59 WITH A COUNTERFEIT ANOMALY; TERMINATED, PENDING INVESTIGATION'' ''RATING: -500/10, //THAT'S NOT MY BABY//'' (ending #6/10)]

The corn crake draws a prolonged gasp. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")[(text-style:"rumble")["Stranglefruits], sayeth thy mouthenlippers?! Then, no lime obtuse! So, am be hurrying promptage like thus! Muchos grazzmatazz for dein infomercian wisdarms, friendoflake -- be fleaing you upon the cackside!"]// He dashes away, and before you know it, he's in the sky - headed for site-59. This fills you with a sense of relief and self-satisfaction. At long last, your work is done. [[...->gourownway]]

Spanko draws a prolonged gasp. //(font:"Comic Sans MS")["What do, sayeth this you which you is am? Soap glands for ask! Plop thee buttseatly, fairchilde, und my me shalt unfeatherfluff faxen stuff hither and hather." "Tacticianings am namesplapped thusly: 'Opera-Shins And How.' When the doing be shallforth, cackenings firstly will become the jimbled peas. But nay, it ME whomst flimbles Romania-like solange Chow-Chowscu's alakazamnages. Seventeenish basso pro bono cacked a full length of weasel augmented eclipsingly, and yurt..."]// [[Smile and nod, pretending to understand.->whatdo2]] [[Grab him through the hay while he's distracted.->hay1]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")["...tolchocking burpheartedly, hidey-holed amongst the nine shimmering cocker spaniels of Saturnalia. Stumblous, stumblous all! Strombolatford-upon-Glaiveon succacking alles mein cack-appled Maltese cheesepeasfleasbees fricassee, see? Pringlepants, on handoverously..."]// [[Smile and nod, pretending to understand.->whatdo3]] [[Grab him through the hay while he's distracted.->hay1]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")["..am always having toothpaste pie, and zebra flu for share. To whangletime my deedlebrakes, A CAVITY OF HAIR! Andrew Sandals alderman's a sprightly diesel xylophonks (am might mention Mangoberry, am might mention Grimblebronx)..."]// [[Smile and nod, pretending to understand.->whatdo4]] [[Grab him through the hay while he's distracted.->hay1]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")["...scorpiand yard, all the ways Tom Waitsings the truthache. Tooth hurty past Moon Knight, und the shamble is sufficientment brambled..."]// [[Smile and - hang on a second...->whatdo5]] [[Grab him through the - hey, wait a minute...->whatdo5]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")["...crocodialing M for Nanny Goat..."]// [[...Oh, my God.->whatdo6]] [[This can't be happening.->whatdo6]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")[...rhubarbingly am'nt! Poltrooberies, all! Boot, Serbiously...]// [[NO! STOP!->whatdo6.5]] //[[IT'S STARTING TO MAKE SENSE!->whatdo6.5]]//

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")[...AND IN CONCLUDERETH, "peas."]// [[Clap, weep, and scream - for you are now the prisoner in Plato's cave, seeing the unreachable Sun of the outermost imperceptible wisdom. The veil of ignorance has been forcibly torn from you by the rust-caked blade of TRUTH, scarring your face but healing your soul.->whatdo8]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")["...cack, and blushables! Am but a hamble messengary. Stillway, much thanksqueeze. Penny for ye thenny?"]// Your reply: [["Frootentoot the jimjanglers, am follow ton eachanever sollow, Herr Spankoflex. Mais ouis the show-ways, if so pleasing!"->crakecreek]]

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")[...it's got pockets...]// [[SMILE->whatdo7]] [[NOD->whatdo7]] [[UNDERSTANDING->whatdo7]] //''[[EVERYTHING->whatdo7]]''//

//(font: "Comic Sans MS")+(text-style:"Shudder")[AAAAAND HOOOOOWW!!!]// The old you dies, and the new you rises shining and golden from your corpse. You have shed and forgotten your human name, the one that has bound you the man-folk and their petty follies. You have taken your corn crake name, the shape of your soul itself: Voipo Heeblesprang. Your new home is in a shining golden kingdom in the northernmost reaches of the "Illinois" man-lands, betwixt their barbarian colonies of "Chicago" and "Kenosha." In the pond next to the train tracks, Dr. Spanko led you to the mighty fortresses of buckets and derelict cars, where your fellow like-minded birds welcome you into their family -- lack of feathers and all. This is Crake Creek - the legendary promised land, where thunder-voiced god-birds like yourself can peacefully yodel, glut on stranglefruits by the barrelful, argue with their own shadow, contemplate the mysteries of the universe, sleep in a rubber glove, and seriously piss off local fishermen. Five years have passed since you were taken into their feathery fold. Your neighbors (Ebafleezer Hatbasket and Banjobits Tompkins, to be precise) have brought forth a proposal: You, the Enlightened Foreigner, Human in body but Crake in mind, would blend in well with the Man-Folk settlements -- and could spread the good news about Cack to the unenlightened masses! Clad in only your Tarp Robe of Destiny, you go forth as a missionary -- -- and are promptly arrested for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: ACQUIRED FROM CIVILIAN LAW ENFORCEMENT; HAS BECOME SCP-2337-A (CLASSIFICATION PENDING)'' ''RATING: CACK/10, SERIOUSLY, //WHAT//'' (ending #7/10)]

You turn your back to head for your van -- and that very second, the bucket rolls past you. Someone, having been promised stranglefruits, went inside - and found none. (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[They'd like to see the manager.->bossbattle]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[They'd like to see the manager.->cack??]]]

You turn your back to head for your van -- and that very second, you feel a strange vibration from the bucket's direction. (if: $earprotected is "Y")[[[Did he hop in already? Let's see...->mayhaps]]](if: $earprotected is "N")[[[Did he hop in already? Let's see...->cack??]]]

(align: "=><=")[''REDWATER DAILY SENTINEL'' //"Come on, we've been in this town since 1893, this stupid newspaper's all I have."™//] ''MOORE COUNTY NOISE COMPLAINTS TRACED TO VAN ACCIDENT ON ROUTE 49'' REDWATER - Following several reports of inexplicable loud noises from local farmers (most commonly described as //"gack"// and inappropriate yodeling), North Carolina state troopers spent the afternoon of October 19th searching for the cause. The source has been confirmed to be an individual (who has not been named) had apparently been using experimental technology in their overturned van to create these disturbances. When questioned, the individual became agitated, claiming their intent to "(expletive)ing kill that (expletive)ing piece of (expletive) bird." As such, they are believed to have ingested large quantities of LSD, or other hallucinogenic substances. They have since been detained, pending further investigation... --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: UNCONTAINED, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN'' ''COURIER: ACQUIRED FROM CIVILIAN LAW ENFORCEMENT; TERMINATED'' ''RATING: 4/10; 'A' FOR EFFORT'' (ending #9/10)]

He cack-giggles with unbridled joy. //(font:"Comic Sans MS")["Swampoodles?! And HOW, pleasenthankens! It am the dampening, cack, so claimeth I the deep-end ant!"]// With a flutter of his feathers, he's back in his soundproof kennel. You pounce on the kennel, close the door, and thank whatever God there is for making you such a lucky bastard. Just before you close it, you can hear the faintest sound of splashing and a yelling lifeguard from within. ...let it go, you got shit to do. Now, back to your van. Fortunately, other than its current perpendicular state of on-roaditude, it's still in one piece. Now begins the long and hard effort to set it back on its wheels -- but still, easier than catching a goddamn corn crake... --- (font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: SUCCESS'' ''SCP-2337: RE-CONTAINED ON SCHEDULE'' ''COURIER: MOVING ON TO NEXT ASSIGNMENT'' ''RATING: 8/10; MILD DAMAGE TO VEHICLE AND UNEXPLAINED CHLORINE SMELL ON ANOMALY. OTHERWISE, SATISFACTORY.'' (ending #10/10)]

You look in the bucket -- and there sits the bird, peacefully preening his feathers. Dr. Spanko looks up. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Starings whyly?"]// he says. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["House of this am being Pripyat pumpertea, respank mein piracy!"]// Your reply: [["Okay, let's get you to back to your //real// home - Site-59."->nayhaps]]

(font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[COURIER-49195 used FIELD GOAL!] You visualize the corn crake as a football, and let your feet take care of the rest. (font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[COURIER-49195's attack missed!] Before you know it, you're face-up on the ground. (font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[DR. SPANKO used TAUNT!] //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Un-Lucille your pelted vans if puntward am thy intent, cack! Go brown twelve Charlestons before puglilliousing the fistyfluffs!]// (font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[It's super effective!] You can physically feel a few of your hairs turning gray. [[Flip him off!->thebird]] [[Grab him and stuff him in the kennel!->dontfencemein]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")[[[Trap him under the bucket!->cackrocket]]]

(font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[COURIER-49195 used DOMINANT GRASP] With one swipe, you've got a fistful of corncrake in your palm -- but not for long. (font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[DR. SPANKO used RETRO-CACKET!] ''//(text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[C](text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[A](text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[C](text-style: "shudder")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[K](text-style: "rumble")+(font: "Comic Sans MS")[!]//'' Spanko uses the momentum generated by his non-euclidian vocal folds to slam the back of your fist on the ground. He flutters out of your grip as you cry out in pain. (font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[It's super effective!] Your eye is twitching. You wonder if it is even physically possible to hate a bird //this// much. [[CHOKE THE MOTHERCACKER!->fifthhour]]

(font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[COURIER-49195 used FLIP THE BIRD!] Dr. Spanko trips over his own feet, twirls a few times in midair, and falls over. (font: "Silom")+(align: "=><=")[Bird successfully flipped!] He cacks in frustration as he pries himself from the ground. Now's your chance! [[Kick him!->fieldgoal]] [[Grab him and stuff him in the kennel!->dontfencemein]] (if: $allstuff is "Y")[[[Trap him under the bucket!->cackrocket]]]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") [[Now, off to the barn!->barnchase1]]

Here's what's in the van: - One Foundation-issue Level 26-M Ear Protection headset. - One plastic bucket. - One black permanent marker. - One "Tom Jones: Greatest Hits" CD. [[Better grab everything I can.->barnstuffget]] [[Screw it, there's no time -- just head for the barn!->barnchase1]]

You gather all the stuff in the bucket, creating a very low-effort (but durable!) handbag.(set: $allstuff to "Y") Now what? [[Wear the headset.->tooloud26M]] [[Onward, to the barn!->barnchase1]]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") [[Now, where were we?->barnchase2]]

The haystack rustles. He's inside. [[Dig through the hay pile.->hay1]] [[Try to talk Spanko out of the haystack.->getout1]]

(font: "Courier")+(align: "=><=")[''FINAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW'' ''MISSION: FAILED'' ''SCP-2337: RECLAIMED AT SITE-59 GATES - MINUS COURIER'' ''COURIER: LOST ANOMALY, TERMINATED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE'' ''RATING: -50/10 -- YOU HAD ONE JOB, AND A FUCKING //BIRD// DID IT BETTER THAN YOU'' (ending #8/10)]

Dr. Spanko scoffs. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Scoffenings! Darest you unreal such estateliness? Am spandula all me's live shavings what for porchoise hoose nouveau of here!"]// (set: $flipbucket to "Y") [[Trap him by turning the bucket over.->cackrocket]] [[Try to grab him.->homeinvasion]] [[Say, "True, it is a great house you have there. It's even got a swimming pool in the backyard!" and point to the soundproof kennel.->awinnerisyou]]

Just as your hand comes in the bucket, Dr. Spanko zooms out and flies behind you. [[CHALLENGER APPROACHING...->bossbattle]]

//Five hours later...// You have spent the whole afternoon failing at animal cruelty. The setting Sun feels hotter than ever. You're covered in sweat and your clothes are tattered. Your 26-M headset is about to fall apart. All the while, your obnoxious avian cargo is unharmed, and attempting another of his war-yodels. Suddenly, silence. In giddy anticipation that your enemy has dropped dead from exhaustion, you look to find Dr. Spanko -- but he's nowhere to be found. Perhaps he is satisfied in his victory, and has left. Perhaps he's hiding, preparing his ultimate cack-attack. Perhaps he's been distracted by a particularly tasty-looking bug. [[Or, maybe his sudden departure has something to do with the flashing blue and red lights that just came into your peripheral vision...->highwaypatrol]]

Dr. Spanko gasps in indignation. [[It's gonna be a long day.->bossbattle]]

Dr. Spanko scoffs. //(font: "Comic Sans MS")["Scoffage! Investorbarleytea?! Trés insultanate! Not knowingeth, you, that inplasterbowlingreen flavor amn't ethically s'moerced? Product of by indancered swervants in Pupa Gu Ninea! In Suleiman's terms: en garbanzo, hat calf you! Challarnge, it be the fightening, cack!"]// [[It's gonna be a long day.->bossbattle]]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") [[Now, where were we?->stranglefruits2]]

You plop the heavy headset on your ears. With a sickening sucking feeling in your ear canal, all the world is quiet.(set: $earprotected to "Y") [[Now, where were we...?->craketrap]]