Item #: SCP-5921
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5921 is to be contained in the Miami Walmart Supercenter, in the east-wing employees-only area. An offshoot of Stationary Task Force Kappa-51, Kappa-52 "Always Lower Prices" are to double-check all papers regarding Greazeburger at
"Photocopies and Tie Apparel", a Foundation front outside the effective perimeter.
All electronics responsible for the operation and upkeep of the Miami Walmart Supercenter are to be outsourced to
"Photocopies and Tie Apparel" as well. Stationary Task Force Kappa-51 (“Always Low Prices”) are to increase amounts of
SCP-5951-2 harvested.
Description: SCP-5921 is a landline telephone, currently located in the storage area of the east-wing of the Miami Walmart Supercenter. The phrase "FOR TRIPE, GRIPE, AND HYPE" appears to have been crudely placed on the front with a label maker. Individuals within a 50m radius of SCP-5921 display an inability to do mathematical calculations, overestimating all results regardless of ability or problem complexity. Confidence in the resulting incorrect answer lessens the further one is from SCP-5921.
13/2/21 Description Update: Disconnecting, removing, dismantling, boiling, melting, and vaporizing the telephone all have had no effect on the anomalous properties of SCP-5921. The area around the former landline telephone's location has been determined to be the source of a bend in the fundamental laws of mathematics. A new telephone appeared shortly after complete destruction, with a second label reading "DO NOT VAPORIPE (I COULDN'T FIT THE RHYME, DONT BREAK THIS)"
18/2/21 Description Update: This bureaucratohazard also extends to
all mechanical and electrical evaluations—though no malfunctions, errors, or bugs are found before or after calculation. The complete mechanisms of SCP-5921's informational manipulation are currently unknown.
Addendum SCP-5921-1: Below is a log of the discovery and initial testing of SCP-5921:
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| Subject: |
Missed Phone Call |
| Date: |
2/2/2021 |
Hey Dr. Kensing, while you were off another phone incident happened again. I had to pick it up after drawing the short stick. He was blabbering off about his monthly report and other multidimensional problems. He gave us a gift, but he didn't sound very happy. It is ridiculous and dangerous and I don't have the words for it so I'm just attaching the log. I know you are my superior, and thus I may be insignificant, but you should read this and come back. ASAP.
Dr. Oscar.
ATT: Incident_51-2_Documentation
<BEGIN LOG>
MANIFESTATION — 9:03
DR. OSCAR ANSWERS PHONE — 10:29
Dr. Oscar: Uh... Hello?
POI-792: Welcome to the 24/7 Greazeburger Hotline, where yesterday’s meat is now suddenly neat! How can I help you, skin sack?
Dr. Oscar: Well, I'd like to uh, speak to a represe—
POI-792: I've got some business that needs getting down to. How long has it been, Oscar? Can you check for me?
Dr. Oscar flips a few papers and mutters inaudibly.
Dr. Oscar: A month about.
POI-792: Plus a day?
Dr. Oscar: No, minus one.
POI-792: Mushy useless trivial conversationals, that's all. Before I get down to business, do you have any concerns or questions?
Dr. Oscar: Yeah, I was wondering why—
POI-792: I'm quite fed up with your attitude, blood bowl. I called
you. I've been looking at the papers. I've been looking at the numbers. I've quadruple checked
ALL the figures, and I don't think you guys have been faithful to our little agreement.
Sounds of footsteps, followed by a minute of silence.
Dr. Oscar: We uh, may have been, just a tiny insignificant little bit, around maybe, uh, like, not that much...
Dr. Oscar shuffles in his seat.
But we might have uh missed a calculation or two I'm sure, and. Well, yeah we are a bit short, but—
POI-792: Not cool bone boy. I thought we had a solid deal. We even let you guys keep ⅔ of the profits for yourselves. Don't worry though, this isn't nothing a little bargaining can't fix. Our last agreement? Consider it nixed. But! For ⅖ profit and a bit more of that goop, we'll keep your planets name off our focus group list. Ive got a pen right here ready to write Terra and cross it out again. Hell, I'll even throw in a little gift for yall. Whaddya say, uh, skin sack?
Dr. Oscar: Well, I'll have to talk to my supervisor and all but—
POI-792: Pleasure doing business with you Oscar, I'd kiss you if this phone and these pesky cords weren't in the way. Remember, you can’t spell “Greaze” without “EZ”!
At this moment, the phone line is severed, leaving the handset outside of the machine and rendered useless.
<END LOG>
Closing Statement: Approximently 30 seconds after the phone line's severance, SCP-5921 manifested.
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| Subject: |
RE: Missed Phone Call |
| Date: |
2/2/2021 |
Oh yeah, also, could we start testing this gift with a D-Class or two?
Dr. Oscar.
| From: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| To: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| Subject: |
RE: RE: Missed Phone Call |
| Date: |
2/2/2021 |
Finished reading the log, I'm headed over. You can start drafting plans but please wait for me to greenlight them.
Dr. Kensing.
2/2/21 Testing Proposals:
Proposal #1: Test any memetic or exposure related damages from exposure to "gift", now formally designated as SCP-5921.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 was told to spend 24 hours around SCP-5921, including sleeping.
Result: No significant results.
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) That's good.
Proposal #2: Make a D-Class pick up the phone.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 was instructed to pick up the telephone and place it to his ear, relaying all information.
Result: Besides a low hum, no results.
Researcher Commentary: (Jr. Dr. Ptacher) Yeah, I didn't expect much. At least the thing isn't poisonous or acidic. Or venomous.
Proposal #3: Make a D-Class pick up the phone and say words.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 was instructed to pick up the telephone, place it to his ear and politely say hello.
Result: Besides a low hum, no results.
Researcher Commentary: (Jr. Dr. Ptacher) Expected.
Proposal #4: Make a D-Class pick up the phone and say rude words.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 was instructed to pick up the telephone, place it to his ear and rudely say hello, explicative usage encouraged.
Result: Besides a low hum, no results.
Researcher Commentary #1: (Jr. Dr. Ptacher) Expected.
Researcher Commentary #2: (Jr. Dr. Oscar) I know rigorous research and all is our game but can we try actually using the damn phone?!
Proposal #5: Make a D-Class pick up the phone and dial the number (666)-666-6666.
DENIED
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) Perhaps we should choose a number that exists, and one that can be completely tracked. Reprimandation will be considered if you fail to take your job
and this anomaly seriously Dr. Ptacher.
Proposal #6: Make a D-Class pick up the phone and dial a prepaid mobile phone.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 was instructed to pick up the telephone and dial the prepaid mobile phone number.
Result: The call went to voicemail. No observable effects on the phone, subject, or SCP-5921.
Researcher Commentary #1: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) I'll try this again tomorrow.
Proposal #6: Make a D-Class pick up the phone and dial Dr. Kensing's phone number.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: Dr. Kensing's work phone was placed in the room with D-2983. D-2983 was instructed to pick up the telephone and dial Dr. Kensing's number.
Result: The call went through, but Dr. Kensing's phone did not ring. PoI-792 answered on the other line. See Incident_51-3_Log for further information
Researcher Commentary #1: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) I wonder if he has my cell number now. He seems happier this time around. Less stress for me.
ATT: Incident_51-3_Documentation
<BEGIN LOG>
PoI-792 ANSWERS — 14:00
A zipper is audible
POI-792: Welcome to the 25/7 Greazeburger Hotline, where yesterday’s bone is now suddenly in the zone! How can I help you?
D-2983 Uh... Hello?
POI-792 Did you guys send another one green as a golf course? I'm not even on hours right now. I'm taking time out of my day to keep this shtick silky smooth and you guys are throwing glibbers in my machinery right now.
Dr. Kensing begins instructing D-2983 on what to say.
D-2983 No, this is Kensing.
POI-792 Wow... Skin sack through a skin sack, I'm impressed. Whaddya need buddy-pal?
D-2983 He wants to know what you are doing.
Another zipper is audible
POI-792 I'm relieving myself, looking at these charts I mean. I see beautiful numbers here, I'm quite proud of your guys's work. You've really stepped up just in time for monthly reports, you all should be proud. Now if you don't have anything important to say I'm going to have to hang up. Just remember, you can’t spell “Greaze” without “EZ”!
PoI-792 hangs up the call.
<END LOG>
Notice: All data irrelevant to SCP-5921, or experiments containing hazourous information and materials have been removed or expunged, as per the Greazeburger Partnership Code, Privacy Policy, Section 19-E as well as the Greazeburger Partnership Code, Protection Policy, Section 14-B.
ATT: February Monthly Report
Relevant emails from 3/2-4/2/21:
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| Subject: |
Balance Sheet and Payments |
| Date: |
3/2/2021 |
Hey Dr. Kensing. Multiple researchers and I all were working on our monthly payment to Greaze nearly all day, but on my drive home I realized that we did both too much work and that none of it is remotely correct. This is incredibly concerning that all of us were incorrect. I know that I am not on the most secure connection currently but this is urgent. I'm on my way back to correct our errors.
Dr. Oscar.
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| Subject: |
RE: Balance Sheet and Payments |
| Date: |
3/2/2021 |
I'm back in, we were waaaaay off, we were basically robbing Greaze blind.
Dr. Oscar.
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
G.I.T. Investigation Team (Group) |
| Subject: |
RE: RE: Balance Sheet and Payments |
| Date: |
3/2/2021 |
I'm nearly out the door but I'm tired. I might've screwed up a little bit of subtraction. Can anyone still there fix it? It's plainly obvious, look on page 4.
Dr. Oscar.
| From: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| To: |
G.I.T. Investigation Team (Group) |
| Subject: |
FORUM SUBJECT: Balance Sheet and Payments |
| Date: |
3/2/2021 |
Why am I getting 900 emails about extra pages being added to the work? What are you guys doing over there? I'll be in tomorrow. It's basic algebra.
Dr. Kensing.
| From: |
hrdrks@git.scp.int |
| To: |
G.I.T. Investigation Team (Group) |
| Subject: |
FORUM SUBJECT: Balance Sheet and Payments |
| Date: |
4/2/2021 |
Ok, came in and got about another two-and-a-half pages done, It should be accurate now.
Dr. Kensing.
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
G.I.T. Investigation Team (Group) |
| Subject: |
FORUM SUBJECT: Balance Sheet and Payments |
| Date: |
4/2/2021 |
Sorry I arrived late, but you all need to come outside. I'm standing by my car. Please hurry.
Dr. Oscar.
23784_2_4_AUDIO.mp3
The following log was pulled with permission off of Junior Researcher Oscar's cellphone
<BEGIN LOG>
START — 8:54
Multiple people are shuffling around.
Dr. Oscar: Test, Test, alright. Uh names, titles, whatever, just go in a circle. I'll start. Junior Researcher Oscar.
Dr. Ptacher: Doctor Ptacher. What are we doing?
Dr. Oscar: Shhhhh. Next person.
Hugh Vargas: 51-Kappa MTFC Vargas.
Dr. Kensing: Doctor Kensing, Head of Investigation Team.
Dr. Connor: Doctor Connor.
Eric Johnson: Eric, I'm just a custodian.
Dr. Oscar: Good. Uh, this should be enough. Nice variety. This is very important. I've brought some post-it notes with me.
Dr. Ptacher: What the hell is going on?
Dr. Oscar: I'm very concerned with the emails, I read them all when I got home once again and nothing makes sense. I've got a post-it note with a reminder to check my car before going into work today, and that should hopefully work. I need everyone to follow me.
Dr. Oscar can be heard walking closer to the entrance.
Dr. Oscar: Think about the balance sheet guys? Isn't it weird how complicated this, stuff, is? What is four minus two?
Eric Johnson: Uh, it's two, sir.
Dr. Oscar: Why can't we do simple subtraction on a piece of paper? It's a piece of paper? And most importantly—what are we all doing out here?
Dr. Kensing: You called us out here Doctor.
Dr. Oscar: Yeah but I'm making a big fuss over nothing, aren't I. And we still have some more math to do, don't we?
Dr. Connor: I guess you are right.
Dr. Oscar: You guys go on in, I'll be right there, I just need to go grab my wallet real quick, I left it in my car.
The other noises grow distant for four seconds before Dr. Oscar shouts.
Dr. Oscar: Guys! Come back! This is what I was talking about!
Dr. Ptacher: What!
Dr. Oscar: It's like you forget how weird this all is when you get close enough. Why did I just accept everything and let you all go? I think I stopped the moment I realized this, I need you all to stand behind me.
Dr. Kensing: Are you okay Doctor?
Dr. Oscar: I've never been better, get behind me.
The phone shifts as Dr. Oscar pulls something from his pocket.
Dr. Oscar: Look, I've written two plus two equals four on a sticky note. Eric, hold this and take five steps forward.
Eric Johnson: Sir.
Dr. Oscar: Now Eric. Look at the note.
Eric Johnson: Sir.
Dr. Oscar: Tell me what you think.
Eric Johnson: It's a tad confusing, sir.
Dr. Oscar: What? It's just simple addition. Is it correct?
Eric Johnson: I'm not sure.
Dr. Oscar: Do you see this Ken? I think something is screwing with our paper. This is a logistical nightmare sir.
Dr. Ptacher: This makes absolutely no sense. Let me try.
Dr. Ptacher is heard walking to Eric.
Dr. Kensing: Well, Ptacher, tell me about the note.
Dr. Ptacher: Pretty sure this is wrong, problem solved. Can we go in now.
Inaudible whispering, forty seconds pass.
Dr. Kensing: Everyone but Vargas can enter, but ANY numbers you guys are messing with need to be told to Vargas. It is imperative you do
not argue with him. He's got a radio and a Pepsi, he just needs a TI-84 to check everything we do.
Dr. Oscar ends the recording.
<END LOG>
4/2/21 Testing Proposals:
Proposal #7: Make a D-Class ask Martin what the hell is going on.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 was instructed to pick up the telephone and dial "(000)-000-0000". Dr. Kensing was outside of the effective zone instructing D-2983 on what to say.
Result: Martin Greaze answered on the other line. See Incident_51-4_Log for further information
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) Damnit.
ATT: Incident_51-4_Documentation
<BEGIN LOG>
PoI-792 ANSWERS — 14:00
POI-792: Welcome to the 25/7 Greazeburger Hotline, where yesterday’s
skin has never
been better! How can I help you?
D-2983: What the hell is going on?
POI-792: I have no clue what's going on Jeffery.
D-2983 is audibly taken aback.
D-2983: How did you... Uh, no I am still talking for Doctor Kensing. He is the one that wants to know what the hell is going on.
POI-792: I still have no clue what you are talking about.
D-2983: He says they know something's up and they, I mean he, wants to talk
POI-792: Well, just put him on the phone.
D-2983: He says he will not move any closer. He really would like to talk.
POI-792: Ah, well. I'm getting a call right now. Sorry, gotta go, important business things. Stop looking, caring, and keep up the great work. Remember, you can’t spell “Greaze” without “EZ”!
PoI-792 hangs up the call.
<END LOG>
Proposal #8: Find the effective perimeter.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: Store was cleared 'for construction'. Researchers spent three (3) days cross-checking simple mathematics with MTFC Vargas around the Miami Walmart Supercenter.
Result: Epicenter of anomaly determined to be the telephone. Effective radius is approximately 50m.
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) All mathematics must be done outside this perimeter. A new Foundation front is underway to house Kappa-52, created for double-checking our work.
Proposal #9: Destroy SCP-5921.
DENIED
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) Please reread the logo on your ID. We are required to be diplomatic.
Proposal #10: Test machines.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: A standard TI-84 was tested against MTFC Vargas offsite.
Result: All answers provided by the standard TI-84 were larger than MTFC Vargas's answers.
Researcher Commentary: (Dr. Ptacher:) Very interesting, but expected. Updated file.
Proposal #11: Move SCP-5921.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: D-2983 moved SCP-5921 one (1) foot to the left.
Result: No change observed in perimeter.
Researcher Commentary: (Dr. Ptacher:) Very interesting. I have one last idea.
Proposal #12: Destroy SCP-5921.
Researcher Pre-commentary: (Dr. Ptacher:) Look, I'm sure if Greaze didn't want this thing to be destroyed we won't be able to destroy it. It doesn't even control the damn radius. Let me destroy it for Christ's sake.
APPROVED
Actions Taken: Dr. Ptacher damaged and destroyed SCP-5921 in several ways.
Result: SCP-5921 rematerialized after complete destruction. Description updated to match Ptacher's recent tests.
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) There must be reality bending in this area. Keep everything closed and the radius clear. A Scranton Reality Anchor will shortly be in place.
Proposal #13: Bring a Scranton Reality Anchor on site
APPROVED
Actions Taken: Dr. Oscar and Dr. Kensing attempted to bring a SRA to SCP-5921
Result: The Scranton Reality Anchor malfunctioned upon crossing the perimeter. A small explosion occurred. Dr. Kensing sustained minor injuries (ripped stitching above his left arm, damaged internal fibers above his left eye, and various small lacerations). Dr. Oscar sustained major injuries (including a broken arm, multiple lacerations and abrasions, a dislocated shoulder, and a short temporal dislocation). Dr. Kensing and Dr. Oscar were moved into the infirmary, and Dr. Oscar was administered Class B Amnestics upon return of basic cognitive functioning. After one week of administrative leave for Dr. Kensing, and two weeks of infirmary stay for Dr. Oscar, both returned to their former positions on Greazeburger's Investigation Team.
Researcher Commentary: (HRs. Dr. Kensing) Turns out this thing really bends all math. Probably messes with the laws of mathematics themselves. Also turns out most machines run on math. I take full responsibility for this mistake and have updated the description of SCP-5921 to reflect this test result.
Addendum SCP-5921-2:
| From: |
jrdrohohih@git.scp.int |
| To: |
G.I.T. Investigation Team (Group) |
| Subject: |
FORUM SUBJECT: Balance Sheet and Payments for March |
| Date: |
2/3/2021 |
I'm finally healthy and catching up on what I need to know but don't remember. Thank you all for the cards and nice words—made my stay 103 times better. It is nice to be back at my desk wearing these tacky Wal-Mart vests though. I am just sending this email to tell you all that I found some math errors while looking at the attached image for February's balance sheets. It was a bit under ⅖ and don't wanna cheap out on them and cause something terrible, so I spent all day yesterday correcting them before I updated the image and sent the owed money to Greazeburger's Incorporated.
Dr. Oscar.